Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
They took my balls.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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