omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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