I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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