My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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