Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
