I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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