Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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