She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
