he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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