So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
