it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
