Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
