at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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