You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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