you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
