do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
