Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just found puke in my bra..
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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