i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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