'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
