I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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