went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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