You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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