Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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