look no pants
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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