There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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