I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
