My liver just broke up with me...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
