So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
