Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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