Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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