Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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