Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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