just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
