He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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