My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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