At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
