I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
