im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
