where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
