He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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