I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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