Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
