my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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