True but thats because hes a fetus.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
