Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
