That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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