I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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