I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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