my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
