Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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